613-790-8936 connect@conches.ca

Commitment and Conscious Relationship

The past 2 1/2 years with Robin have helped me connect deeply with the 2 terms above.

At some point I realized that I had a certain definition of the word ‘Commitment’ which had to be identified, dismantled, and then replaced with a more holistic understanding – an uncomfortable process.

This revealed to me the many ways I was not committed to myself, for this is the purpose of the Divine Mirror of Relationship.

Also uncomfortable.

So many parts of myself that I had turned away from, boxed up and buried, where I thought they would stay forever and hopefully dissolve.

An (almost) entirely unconscious practice that had taken place throughout my life in the hopes of morphing into the avatar I thought would be the most acceptable, successful and loveable.

But that’s not what was happening, I wasn’t getting what I wanted. Life kept offering me relationship/life experiences that felt difficult, frustrating, and hopeless – and I reacted with anger and the desire to call it and bail.

I wasn’t where I was supposed to be, something wasn’t working, which had truth, and also, repetition – patterns – is one of the Souls ultimate communication tools.

The outside world, as experienced through my relationships, was reflecting an internal dynamic.

Singing Bowl | Conches

I had to take a lot of time to identify every single complaint I had about my partner, and apply it to myself. I also had to dismantle the process of my unconscious reactive patterns – What am I getting by reacting this way? What are the ACTUAL FEELINGS that arise IN MY BODY during this reaction pattern? Where did this pattern start? What was happening in my life?

Oh the shame and judgement that started bubbling up!! Lots there to work with. A massive and uncomfortable opportunity for love, compassion and self-healing. And also a huge identity shift.

In so many ways I am not the person I thought I was. I am someone different, someone I am still very much getting to know.

With this has come so much curiosity. When I can meet myself with this deep and authentic level of curiosity, I have compassion – for myself and for my partner, and for the others I meet and engage with throughout the day.

I am aware of the shift in my internal dialogue – a dialogue that was once filled with a loop of thoughts and judgments of others, consumed with frustrations, limiting beliefs about myself, fears and worries. There was a hardness, a very well worn groove of habitual thinking, that was reflected out into my world and also in my body!

Over the course of several years this habitual thinking has shifted into more expansiveness, visionary thinking, creativity, awareness of patterns/messages in the body and mind, a continuous effort to respond to the needs being called out with these patterns/messages.

Conches | Image of Robin and Erica

Now I am able to identify the shift and how it is being reflected, in my outer world and my body. The Commitment to Self IS the Conscious Relationship.

As I choose myself I honor my partner. I honor him through self-awareness so I don’t muddy up the space between us with a boatload of projections and unconscious emotions (or if I do at least I am aware of what I’m doing!) And I honor him through self-care so I communicate to the Universe, and to him, how I want to be treated.

I am choosing to reject all the societal propaganda and programming around Selfishness.

With deep awareness of myself, and in choosing me, I choose the relationship that holds the highest potential of self actualization and fulfillment for both of us.

When all the members in a relationship can learn to show up this way, even just a little, there is magic, there is deep intimacy, there is space, there is healthy reprogramming and authentic identity, there honoring, and there is healing.

Sometimes parting ways is the most loving thing people can do for each other. And sometimes it is a way of avoiding the real work.

I have had to throw out everything I was brought up to believe a “good relationship” looked like, and replace it, guilt free, with the controversial  I = Us.


~ Erica Sainsbury